“You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.” ~ Maya Angelou
Most of us walk through the world with the sole agenda of proving our self worth and purpose for being on this earth. While I know we all want to make a difference, and it’s becoming harder and harder to stand out in today’s crazy world of social media, I feel it’s my duty to remind you of why you have nothing to prove to anybody.
I’ll start by saying it simply.
YOU ARE ENOUGH.
A hard concept to grasp I’m sure, but it’s very true and only you can deny it. No one can tell you how much value you have to offer, and there are certainly to “guidelines” by which we can measure a person’s worth.
Where we all run into problems with issues around self worth and value is when we attach our sense of self to what we do and how well we do it. We incessantly compare ourselves to everyone else, which leads to feeling less than, and insufficient.
We learn that if we are attractive enough, smart enough, funny enough, nice enough, giving enough or talented enough that we will be accepted and belong.
The idea of being accepted and loved for who we are without including what we “do” is a novel concept for all of us.
I’ll say it again in case it didn’t go in the first time.
YOU ARE ENOUGH.
I can say this without even knowing you because I truly believe that each and every person walking along side of me is worthy, valuable, perfect and enough.
Here are 5 more reasons you have nothing to prove to anybody.
1. Your standards are all that matter
Stop using others as a yardstick for what and who you need to be. Set your own standards for yourself, and if those are too high then check in with yourself about how you developed these unreachable ideas about yourself in the first place. Having realistic and attainable standards for who you are and how you want to walk through this world will keep you grounded in your own authentic worthiness.
2. External validation is fleeting
It feels good to get the gold star or affirmation from someone you respect or admire. No doubt that this is a good thing for anyone. However, this kind of validation is fleeting simply because it’s not yours to own. It’s on borrowed time, and if you don’t do your own work on owning your own value this goodness will slip away. You want to hold this part of yourself sacred so it’s always available when you need it.
3. You’ll never please everyone
There is a hamster wheel for everything in life, and that includes your desire to please others by proving yourself. There will inevitably be that one person who never really sees how great you are (usually a parent) leaving you going back to the empty well over and over. Know that your honorable acts of seeking approval will be futile with a few if not many.
There’s a concept in Psychoogy developed by D.W. Winnicott that talks about the good enough mother. This applies here too. You don’t have to be perfect or more than, you just need to be good enough. Good enough has to be determined by you, and you alone. Striving to be perfect or more than you need to be will exhaust you and ultimately leave you feeling defeated because it’s unsustainable.
5. Inadequacy is an internal experience
Recognize that your feelings of not being enough or needing to prove your worth are inside of you. You may experience the feelings when you are around other people, but it’s most likely a projection of your own internal struggle. Work on this in therapy or with a trusted mentor because feeling valued and worthy completely starts within.
What constitutes approval seeking behavior and why do you think so many people are after it?
The word love gets tossed around a lot, particularly in the realm of relationships. We want to be in love, fall in love, feel loved, and we even want to love ourselves. We seek it, we covet it, and we despair when we don’t have it. The truth is that the idea of love preoccupies our minds almost 24 hours a day.
So why then, do we never ask ourselves the simple question of “how do I love thee?”
There is a very important distinction between how you feel loved, and how your partner experiences the love you give. No two people experience love in exactly the same way, so you cannot presume the love you offer is in perfect alignment with what your partner needs.
The only way to really know how you can show your love in a way that it can pierce the heart of your lover is to ask him or her how they feel loved.
In his book “The Five Languages of Love”, Gary Chapman speaks directly to this issue. He distinctly writes about how every person feels love in their own unique way, and if we can’t decipher and honor what that type of love is, then we reduce our chances of being happy with that person.
The most common mistake you will make with regard to this issue is presuming that your partner feels loved in the same way you do. Even though you were taught to give love to receive it, no one ever informed you that every person feels loved in a different way.
For example, if you feel loved when your partner gives you a gift or tells you how much you are appreciated, turning around and offering those forms of love to him or her is simply a projection of your own needs.
I know you want to give and receive the love you deserve, so here are 3 steps to effectively express your love in your relationship:
1. Simply ask
It’s always very transformative when I have my couple clients ask each other the simple question, “how do you feel loved?” There is so much presumption when it comes to love in a relationship, so clarifying and getting the true story changes everything. It’s not only enlightening for the partner asking the question, but for the partner being asked as well. We don’t take pause to ask ourselves the question “How do I feel loved?”
2. Just do it
Even if the way your partner feels loved seems absolutely crazy to you, it’s essential that you meet that need anyway. It may be a big effort in memory or in action, but the extra work goes a long way. Many couples feel awkward expressing love in a way that is outside of how they feel it, but stretching outside of what feels comfortable is what makes relationships interesting and novel.
3. Be patient
People don’t change their ways easily, particularly when it’s in the interest of someone else’s happiness. Your partner might not “get it” immediately, but with gentle reminders they will slowly learn, and turn conscious effort into habit. Keep your expectations of yourself and your partner in check, and be grateful for any progress no matter how minimal.
Have you ever asked your partner how he or she feelS loved? How about yourself? Have you ever asked yourself this simple question: “how do I love thee?”
Source: Purpose fairy
Never look back unless you are planning to go that way. ~Henry David Thoreau
I told my Mum that I had something very important to talk about with Dad. With tears running down my face I approached him and started with “Dad, I want to talk to you about your affair with that woman and how it has been affecting me for over 10 years now.”
Telling stories is not that easy especially when it comes to deeply personal things which we’ve been carrying with us for a long time being unable to voice our pain and fear. Opening up makes us vulnerable which is a challenging thing to cope with. That’s why so many people prefer to suppress their feelings and go with the flow. The problem is that the devastating power of untold stories grows within us year by year making us powerless to create the life of our dreams.
Since I was 11 I’ve been suspecting my father was having an affair with a woman who was his business partner, our neighbor and my mother’s best friend. I remember myself watching their every interaction, trying to find the evidence of a betrayal in the way they greeted each other, the way they talked, in the looks and smiles they’ve exchanged. I sensed every slightest shift of the energy, the dynamics happening between them. I knew something was wrong. I remember how I was afraid to go to school and leave my Dad alone at home. Anxious and frustrated I was always expecting something bad would happen. That woman wasn’t happy with her family life and she wanted to steal a family from my mother. How sweet she was, how frequently she would bring me presents and try to sweet talk her way into my child’s heart.
I’ve always been a Daddy’s girl, I adored this man. We’ve spent long hours talking, walking in the park, watching movies together, playing the fool all the time. The day the truth was revealed to me I felt like the world has crashed. My suspicions were justified – my dearest and closest friend has betrayed me.
The emotional wound was ever since affecting my relationship with men. Subconsciously I was always alert when my partner would interact with other girls. I would feel anxious, frustrated, rejected and fearful of betrayal. And the worst thing was because of that state of alertness I would never be completely free to enjoy conversations with people around me, being open, feeling free, being Myself. I would almost shrink myself in a worry, fear and anxiety.
That’s when I realised that my past should never again control my present and the power of storytelling has started transforming my life. All of us have our own skeletons in the closet and if you are ready to take control over them, there is no better way to heal than to:
1. Tell your story to yourself
Admit that you have an emotional baggage and that it controls your life. Decide at once that you are the architect of your own reality and you are not going to allow your past to hold you back from who you truly are and who you have the potential to become.
I’ve realized I had a tremendous potential to love, grow in love and help those next to me grow. I realised that if I don’t let go of my past I will never become the person I can be. All the great things ever created came from the place of love.
2. Share your story with your loved ones and your close friends
If people who are already in your life love you for who you are, they will still love you even when they get to know the darkest stories of your past. Some of them will need time to process what you’ve just shared but in any case they will support you and moreover they’ll appreciate the fact that you opened up and trusted them in the moment of the highest vulnerability. True love accepts shadows along with lights.
For me things started sorting out when I allowed myself to be vulnerable and shared the story about my father with my partner. Everything that was bottled up for all these years just came out in an avalanche of tears, words, emotions and unbearable pain. I was blessed to have a person next to me who was ready to listen, hear, accept and help me go through this healing.
3. Get into details of your story on a paper
They say that paper doesn’t refuse ink. When you write down every tiniest detail, scene, emotion of what happened to you in the past, you separate yourself from the story, it just stays on paper. Writing helps you live your story again, burn yourself down in the pain of the feeling that you’ve been trying to suppress for such a long time and be reborn from the ashes as the Phoenix.
I did it. I was typing and typing with tears suffocating me and I felt like I was back in those times, I was that little Alla again who was trying so hard to prevent the nightmare of betrayal to happen. After the writing was done I remember myself going back to bed with the feeling of emptiness. There was nothing. No pain, no fear, no happiness, no joy. Nothing. And that was a huge step to stop identifying myself with my past.
4. Talk to those who were the reason for your wound
It is the scariest thing to do but it’s worth it whatever the consequences of the conversation might be. Just face you fear. It is going to be liberating.
I travelled back home for just one thing – to tell my Dad how I felt. I’ve always loved him but the pain of betrayal distanced me from him and kept me from being a truly loving daughter. The conversation happened. I felt that I’ve always been loved and I learned that compassion for those who hurt you is another important step on your way to healing. So do not hesitate to ask, listen and hear those who hurt you for they have their own story to share and they also need to be heard.
5. Share your story with the world through art
To me the biggest beauty of storytelling lies in the fact that telling your story is beneficial for both yourself and the world. When you’re telling your story, not only you are healing yourself, you also stop identifying yourself with it. The story becomes just a story and no longer a part of you. The magic starts when you realise that when sharing your story, the heavy traumatic wound of yours transforms into a lesson others can learn from. It becomes a gift you can give to the world. Write an article, a song, a book, do a spoken word poetry, shoot a short film (or a long one?). Do anything that feels right. Not only you will get your story off your chest but others will get an opportunity to learn from you, get inspired and free themselves from their baggage. Isn’t it beautiful?
Source: Purpose Fairy
There is nothing like the vibration of LOVE. It makes us feel good and it makes others feel good. Couple it with the frequency of gratitude and you have a winning formula for life!
What can you do to start smearing love all over this planet? Well, it only takes one tiny act to begin the snowball of heart-felt love. Why not try a few of these ideas to open up your heart space and allow others to experience what true unconditional love feels like.
1. Be Kind
Do random acts of genuine kindness. You can smile more when you walk down the street, open doors for strangers (even women can open doors for men — ladies can be gentlemen too!), give a genuine compliment. I’ll leave the rest up to your spontaneity and imagination.
2. Spread Love Like Butter!
Illustrate love whenever you can. This can be in the form of a silent blessing or a simple touch to show you care. You can just be present and truly listen to someone without the need to speak — this is an incredibly loving and somewhat overlooked gesture. When you do speak, let your words melt upon listening ears and drip with tender, loving gentleness.
3. Be the Mirror
Try to notice yourself in others and aim to perceive that we are all a part of God. Send love to everyone, especially those who irritate, provoke or scare you. Feed people with fear and they will become fearsome, feed them with love and they will become loving.
4. Extend Yourself
See your brothers and sisters all over the world as your extended family. We all intrinsically have one ultimate goal — to live in joy, love and peace. Some have a strange way of showing it but they may be so lost in darkness that they have forgotten what radiance looks like. It is up to you to show them the light instead of judging or criticizing their path. Love is going to be the only solution to hatred, war and destruction, not complaints and judgments.
5. Love all Life
Express acts of love and kindness to animals, plants and insects too, we are their guardians. All life has the signature of our creator embedded in their fabric. Remember this when you feel the urge to destroy something willy-nilly. Ask yourself if it is necessary? Your awareness is the key to unlocking your heart centre.
6. Offer Acknowledgement
Recognise others by saying ‘hello’ or dishing out your most debonair greeting smile. People love to be acknowledged and this can have a profound effect on their day and all the other people they interact with from thereon out.
7. Just Plain Give
Practice giving without the need for receiving. You don’t have to spend a lot of money to give. Giving could be in the form of a poem, a prayer, a generous and thoughtful act, a bunch of wild flowers, the giving of your attention or time.
Give thanks for all the things that are going right in your life. We so often harp on the things that are going wrong for us. We take too little time bringing into our awareness all that is marvelous — like the roof over your head, the warm and comfortable bed you sleep in to the fridge full of groceries you may have. These simple things are luxury items to others and the more you are grateful for your blessings, the more blessings you will receive to continue your vibration of gratitude. This is how the universe works.
9. See Your Lessons
Give thanks for all the mistakes you have made in your life that taught you valuable lessons. The strong and capable person you are today has arisen from the ashes of what went wrong yesterday. Be the phoenix and always gracefully emerge from the flames with your head held high and a fire of passion in your heart.
10. Hug Thy Neighbour!
Give away free hugs whenever you see the opportunity. Humans are tactile beings (well, at least some of us anyway) and the value of appropriate physical contact can be just what someone may need from you.
11. Appreciate Love in Return
Always let the special people in your life know that they are appreciated. It is sad that the ones closest to our hearts can be the ones that are the most neglected. Remember to hug, kiss and verbalize your love every morning (or whenever you see them). Yes, that means no grunting on the way to the coffee machine, you need to pick up your sleepy head and plant one on their cheek (provided you have remembered to brush those teeth first)!
Now is as good a time as any to get out there and extend your lovable self to others. Why don’t you share with us any ideas and remedies you have come up with to infect this planet with love.