“You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.” ~ Maya Angelou
Most of us walk through the world with the sole agenda of proving our self worth and purpose for being on this earth. While I know we all want to make a difference, and it’s becoming harder and harder to stand out in today’s crazy world of social media, I feel it’s my duty to remind you of why you have nothing to prove to anybody.
I’ll start by saying it simply.
YOU ARE ENOUGH.
A hard concept to grasp I’m sure, but it’s very true and only you can deny it. No one can tell you how much value you have to offer, and there are certainly to “guidelines” by which we can measure a person’s worth.
Where we all run into problems with issues around self worth and value is when we attach our sense of self to what we do and how well we do it. We incessantly compare ourselves to everyone else, which leads to feeling less than, and insufficient.
We learn that if we are attractive enough, smart enough, funny enough, nice enough, giving enough or talented enough that we will be accepted and belong.
The idea of being accepted and loved for who we are without including what we “do” is a novel concept for all of us.
I’ll say it again in case it didn’t go in the first time.
YOU ARE ENOUGH.
I can say this without even knowing you because I truly believe that each and every person walking along side of me is worthy, valuable, perfect and enough.
Here are 5 more reasons you have nothing to prove to anybody.
1. Your standards are all that matter
Stop using others as a yardstick for what and who you need to be. Set your own standards for yourself, and if those are too high then check in with yourself about how you developed these unreachable ideas about yourself in the first place. Having realistic and attainable standards for who you are and how you want to walk through this world will keep you grounded in your own authentic worthiness.
2. External validation is fleeting
It feels good to get the gold star or affirmation from someone you respect or admire. No doubt that this is a good thing for anyone. However, this kind of validation is fleeting simply because it’s not yours to own. It’s on borrowed time, and if you don’t do your own work on owning your own value this goodness will slip away. You want to hold this part of yourself sacred so it’s always available when you need it.
3. You’ll never please everyone
There is a hamster wheel for everything in life, and that includes your desire to please others by proving yourself. There will inevitably be that one person who never really sees how great you are (usually a parent) leaving you going back to the empty well over and over. Know that your honorable acts of seeking approval will be futile with a few if not many.
There’s a concept in Psychoogy developed by D.W. Winnicott that talks about the good enough mother. This applies here too. You don’t have to be perfect or more than, you just need to be good enough. Good enough has to be determined by you, and you alone. Striving to be perfect or more than you need to be will exhaust you and ultimately leave you feeling defeated because it’s unsustainable.
5. Inadequacy is an internal experience
Recognize that your feelings of not being enough or needing to prove your worth are inside of you. You may experience the feelings when you are around other people, but it’s most likely a projection of your own internal struggle. Work on this in therapy or with a trusted mentor because feeling valued and worthy completely starts within.
What constitutes approval seeking behavior and why do you think so many people are after it?
Our actions are the practical manifestations of our thoughts
It is quite clear, therefore, that we must bring about a change in the way we think in order to create happiness and sense of fulfilment in our life. A good thing about our brain is that it willingly adopts any changes that we bring about in our thinking patterns.
Here is a list of 15 ways you can change your thoughts and give a positive direction to your life.
1. Create positive affirmations
Affirmations are not always positive. They can be negative as well. The hexes created by the witches are negative affirmations.
The truth is that most people are given to making negative affirmations. When you think repeatedly that you are not going to succeed in a particular project, it is a negative affirmation. Affirmations, both negative and positive impact the neurological functioning of the brain.
Positive affirmations are like mantras. They have a sacred and spiritual force about them. Let us be clear about creating positive affirmations. They should not be normative or weak.
Thoughts such as I ‘should’, ‘ought to’ or’ abstain from’ are normative.
Examples of negative affirmations are: ‘I can’t’ do this. It is ‘quite difficult’. On the hand, affirmations should be forceful and determined such as ‘I can’, ‘I will’, or ‘I am going to’. As mentioned above, your brain is always adapting to your thought patterns and directs your organs to act accordingly.
2. Learn to apply full stop
We keep mulling over our misfortunes, the perceived wrongs committed to us by those who we have loved and stood by so sincerely. We never stop cursing ourselves for the mistakes that we think we have committed. What would have happened if I had done this or that? What would happen if I do this or that in future?
This is not to suggest we should not learn from our past mistakes or plan our future intelligently. The only thing is we should stop thinking over and over once we have learnt from our past and decided about our future.
3. Let go of the need to be masochistic
Quite often we love to wallow in our misery. We enjoy creating self-punishing thoughts or being gloomy and pessimistic. Here is an example:
“If I start selling candles, the sun will stop setting,
If I start selling shrouds, people will stop dying.”
I was born unlucky. Nothing good will ever occur to me.
Such thoughts not only cause harmful impact on the mind, but they adversely affect your physical health as well.
4. Count your joys and blessings
Most people take their joys and blessings for granted and start grumbling about what they do not have; or, when they are faced with problems and troubles. Just think of those who are less fortunate than you. Or, think of situation that could have been worse than it is now. You are crying because have hurt your knee in an accident. What, if the leg itself had broken? See the filled half of the glass for satisfaction and the empty half with a resolve to fill it.
“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.” ~ Melody Beattie
This is not to suggest that you should not aspire for a still better life. Enjoy whatever amount of success you have achieved instead of feeling sad about what you have not been able to achieve. There is nothing wrong with always fixing higher benchmarks or goals, but failure to reach them should not spoil your enjoyment of what you already have.
“If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich.” ~ Lao Tzu
6. Savour the joys of your achievements
It is one thing to achieve your goal; it is another to enjoy it after you have achieved it. For example, you marry a woman of your dreams, but get bored with her soon thereafter and start looking for a new one. This is one of the most common causes of marital discords and break ups.
“There are two things to aim at in life: first, to get what you want; and after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second.” ~ Logan Pearsall Smith
7. Stand erect and hold your head high in trying circumstances
We often tend to feel demoralized in adverse conditions. We stoop and feel low as if we are bending under their weight. This happens both literally and figuratively. You will, however, surely feel better if you try to lift your spirits and also your head like a person determined to take up the challenge. This is the best way to get out of the depression. Try it.
8. Allow yourself to be playful and childlike
Children are known for innocence and simplicity of mind. They soon forget their quarrels with their friends and start playing together once again. This is the reason that generally they are always happy and smiling. Translated into the language of the adults, we should learn to forget and forgive.
“The great man is he who does not lose his child’s-heart.” ~Mencius, Book IV
Do not associate happiness with future events. I will when things happen this way. It is like postponing your happiness to an unsure future. The better alternative is to try to postpone your sorrow to some future moment as much as you can. The time to be happy is to-day, because yesterday has already passed and you cannot be sure that tomorrow will bring any happiness.
“How simple it is to see that we can only be happy now, and there will never be a time when it is not now.” ~ Gerald Jampolsky
10. Be a master of your moods
Be a master rather than a servant of your own moods. You are the ruler of the kingdom of happiness. Do not allow other people or circumstances to make you happy or sad. Do not depend on material possessions to create happiness for you. It is for you to choose to be happy whatever the situation. Do not allow your heart to break up if your loved one has ditched you. If he/she can be happy without you so can you be.
11. Wake up with a resolve to stay happy during the day
Resolve the first thing as you wake up in the morning to remain happy throughout the day. Spend some time with the flowers and plants in your garden. Listen to the songs of the birds in the trees or watch them flying high in the skies. Or, go out for a walk in the park nearby. Remember your resolve to remain calm as soon as you sense trouble coming. You owe yourself an ethical duty to remain happy.
12. Your body is your temple, honor it
Keep the temple of your body neat, clean and well-ventilated. Do not dump garbage of dirty, negative thoughts and toxic junk food in it. It is really difficult to remain happy when you are sick physically or mentally. There is a close relationship between the mind and the body. Take physical exercises regularly according to your constitutional needs. Subscribe to some inspiring- thought- for- the- day service to motivate you to stay happy during the day.
Most yoga and meditation gurus have complicated the process of meditation by using incomprehensible jargon about its practice and goals. Consequently most people tend to doze off during the meditation sessions and stop practicing meditation altogether.
Also take a stock of your day in the evening. Remember the little good things that happened. You were not held up in traffic snarls. Your car ran smoothly. There was no problem with your boss and colleagues. You had a delicious lunch or coffee. Thank your stars for a nice and happy day. This will fill you with gratitude and make you a happier person.
“During meditation your metabolism and your breath rate go down to a level of rest, twice that of deep sleep.” ~ Mike Love
14. Focus on changing yourself instead of changing the world around you
It is impossible to change the world around you. So stop fretting when people do not come up to your expectations. The best course is to change yourself or at least adjust with the people or situations you do not like.
“Never underestimate your power to change yourself; never overestimate your power to change others.” ~ Wayne Dyer
15. Make the best of what you have
It is always better to make the best of what you have rather than pine for what you think is the best. A perfect state occurs only in Utopia and the world you live in is not that kind of ideal place. Do not be worried about the imperfections. The word ‘imperfection’ is derived from ‘perfection’. Even the most imperfect situation has some small element of perfection in it.
You change your life by changing your thoughts. If the thoughts you think are pure, your life will be pure.
Do you believe that thoughts have the power to transform your life? What do you believe stands between you and complete happiness? Is it your thoughts or something or somebody else? I really want to know what are your thoughts on this.
· · Source: Purpose fairy
The word love gets tossed around a lot, particularly in the realm of relationships. We want to be in love, fall in love, feel loved, and we even want to love ourselves. We seek it, we covet it, and we despair when we don’t have it. The truth is that the idea of love preoccupies our minds almost 24 hours a day.
So why then, do we never ask ourselves the simple question of “how do I love thee?”
There is a very important distinction between how you feel loved, and how your partner experiences the love you give. No two people experience love in exactly the same way, so you cannot presume the love you offer is in perfect alignment with what your partner needs.
The only way to really know how you can show your love in a way that it can pierce the heart of your lover is to ask him or her how they feel loved.
In his book “The Five Languages of Love”, Gary Chapman speaks directly to this issue. He distinctly writes about how every person feels love in their own unique way, and if we can’t decipher and honor what that type of love is, then we reduce our chances of being happy with that person.
The most common mistake you will make with regard to this issue is presuming that your partner feels loved in the same way you do. Even though you were taught to give love to receive it, no one ever informed you that every person feels loved in a different way.
For example, if you feel loved when your partner gives you a gift or tells you how much you are appreciated, turning around and offering those forms of love to him or her is simply a projection of your own needs.
I know you want to give and receive the love you deserve, so here are 3 steps to effectively express your love in your relationship:
1. Simply ask
It’s always very transformative when I have my couple clients ask each other the simple question, “how do you feel loved?” There is so much presumption when it comes to love in a relationship, so clarifying and getting the true story changes everything. It’s not only enlightening for the partner asking the question, but for the partner being asked as well. We don’t take pause to ask ourselves the question “How do I feel loved?”
2. Just do it
Even if the way your partner feels loved seems absolutely crazy to you, it’s essential that you meet that need anyway. It may be a big effort in memory or in action, but the extra work goes a long way. Many couples feel awkward expressing love in a way that is outside of how they feel it, but stretching outside of what feels comfortable is what makes relationships interesting and novel.
3. Be patient
People don’t change their ways easily, particularly when it’s in the interest of someone else’s happiness. Your partner might not “get it” immediately, but with gentle reminders they will slowly learn, and turn conscious effort into habit. Keep your expectations of yourself and your partner in check, and be grateful for any progress no matter how minimal.
Have you ever asked your partner how he or she feelS loved? How about yourself? Have you ever asked yourself this simple question: “how do I love thee?”
Source: Purpose fairy
A busy life is a modern reality. We rush from activity to activity, chore to chore. But at the end of the day, did all of our hustle and bustle actually align with our core values and life goals?
For many of us, the answer is often, “no”. I propose, if our days are to be packed from dawn until dusk, we owe it to ourselves to make sure our activities are serving us.
It all starts with identifying your real goals. For me, my real goals are scratched out on a post-it note that hangs on my bedroom mirror. They are: connection with my family, maintaining my health and making time for my writing. Once you know what’s really important to you, you’re ready to use the five strategies below to make sure your daily actions align with your priorities.
When you wake up, roll over and jot down two or three simple things you can do today that will serve your higher purpose. This is especially important if you’re working a job that doesn’t particularly match your life goals, but is necessary to get your bills paid right now.
During your morning train ride or time spent waiting in line for coffee, read something to either inspire you or help you gain knowledge to get you closer to your goals. Subscribing to blogs in your areas of interest is an easy way to keep relevant reading material close at hand.
The dishes still need to be done and the towels still need to be folded, make use of busy work by listening to an audio book or podcast that is meaningful for you.
It’s just too easy to turn on the television and waste a few hours. If there are activities you enjoy, but get in the way of acting in line with your priorities, schedule them infrequently rather than making them a default whenever you don’t know what else to do. For example, save watching the latest episode of Mad Men for every Friday night.
Before you go to sleep,do a quick recap of your day and identify which of your activities was in line with your goals and what you spent time on that wasn’t. This will keep your choices front and center and hold you accountable for acting in ways that align with your priorities.
Follow these five tips for the next thirty days and you’ll be amazed at how keeping your actions in line with your priorities becomes second nature. Your busy life will begin to feel less frantic and more intentional.
Source: purpose fairy
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We have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen more than we say. ~Zeno of Citium
We are living in a world where people feel disconnected from each other. A feeling of alienation is pervading our culture, and there is a deep reason why this is so.
The reason is that we have not yet learned to genuinely communicate.
This is most obvious when observing two people while they are having a conversation with each other. During a conversation, most people don’t truly listen to what the other is saying. Of course, they do hear words but that is very different from listening.
To listen means to understand the meaning that lies behind words. It means to be totally absorbed into what the other is trying to communicate. It means to be focused on the essence of what the other wants to convey through words.
By not being able to listen, we fail to communicate. Naturally, we end up feeling lonely and alienated. When we cannot understand others and others cannot understand us, we feel disconnected from the rest of humanity. When we have nobody with whom we can truly share our thoughts and emotions, we end up being depressed and develop various social phobias.
To feel connected with those around us, we need to start communicating on a deeper level. The basic and most important step to achieve this is by learning how to listen. Only in this way can we have a heartfelt communication where we can truly share with one another.
When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.
Here is a little yet concise guide on how to master the art of listening:
1. Desire to learn
A conversation is always an opportunity to learn something new. Everyone has a great story to tell, and we can learn from anybody. Many times when someone is talking to us we are just pretending to listen—we hear words, we nod our heads, we show that we understand, but in reality we don’t. The reason why this happens is that we are not truly interested to know about another’s story. We are so filled with our inner chatter, our problems and concerns, that we don’t have the mental space that is necessary to allow another’s story enter our lives. To genuinely listen, we need to cultivate the desire to learn, to understand—we need to care for what the other has to say.
2. Keep an open mind
Sometimes our ideologies are blocking new ideas from entering our minds. In addition, our opinions, superstitions, and expectations usually color the meaning of what others are trying to communicate to us through the spoken word. When listening to someone talking to you, make sure to leave your belief systems aside for a while and just keep an open mind.
3. Be receptive
While engaged in a conversation, most of us are continuously interrupting people, not letting others say what they want to say. We are continuously on the lookout for an opportunity to speak about our own story. In this way, however, we do not allow others to express themselves and communicate their thoughts and emotions to us. As a result, we never get to understand them. When having a conversation, make sure not to hurriedly interrupt or respond, and stop trying to solve things out or reach to quick conclusions. Just listen.
4. Be patient
To understand another takes a great deal of patience. Usually we are in such a hurry that we don’t have the time anymore to get together and listen to each other. And even when we do, we do so in such a quick way that we don’t get anything out of it. We never get intimate with one another—we don’t allow ourselves to reach another’s mind, heart and soul. From now on, when you are having a conversation, don’t push it. Give it the time that is needed and just let it flow, allowing yourself to squeeze the juice out of it.
Source: Purpose Fairy
Let us advance on Chaos and the Dark. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Each of us views the world through lenses of our choice, and I believe that a closer look at superficial symptoms can reveal a profound underlying root cause. Often people feel broken or lost among an overwhelming amount of inputs.
When this occurs, I like to get to the root cause of suffering, which can often be lifted with a renewal of commitment to self-care. Did you know that the word “radical” actually means root? Equally as interesting is the meaning of the word “conspire”: to breathe together.
Daily, we are invited to participate in stories with others, where sometimes all we can do is breathe together. Is it possible to take a closer look at where we do have power to shape our own stories within a larger community? Recently a loved one sent me the above photograph of a rose bush, which I believe illustrates my point. A single yellow rose, with its own distinct fragrance, stands out among the red roses who expected it to be red also. They are all rooted in the same source and get light from the same source, but one flower has processed the sunlight through very different lenses.
What better way to further illustrate self-care than with a fable by the Brothers Grimm entitled The Handless Maiden?
After the maiden’s hands are severed, she relegates herself to the forest, eating fruit from the trees like a giraffe. When a charming land baron finds her grazing in his pear orchard, he has hands of silver fashioned for her. The two fall in love and have a child together.
But the shady character begins to stalk the maiden once again, so she has her child lashed to her back and escapes to the forest. As she sits near a stream to attempt to nurse her baby, the baby slips into the stream. The maiden desperately thrusts her silver hands into the water, but as she brings her arms up out of the water, her silver hands have been replaced with real flesh and fingers, with her child clutched inside them.
She realizes her power for renewal lies in the water, and that in caring for her baby she has ultimately cared for herself.
I love this story for its vivid imagery and creepiness, but also for the message of shaping our own stories despite the overwhelming pressures and inputs we must process. Each of us can see ourselves as the yellow rose from the photograph, breathing together with the rest while also voicing the song that only we can sing.
Source: Purpose Fairy
Here’s a list of 9 ways that you can actually implement into your life whatever it is that you love.
1. Find what you love
It’s hard to follow your passion if you have no idea which way it went. If you already know your passion, you’re ahead of the game. But if you don’t this is the place to start. Generally, if you don’t know what you love there might be a few things happening:
a. You haven’t encountered your passion yet: In this case, get out there and start experiencing life. Try anything that sounds remotely interesting. Look to your personality, your past and your own hopes and dreams for clues.
b. You’ve “forgotten” your passion: Maybe it’s been so long since you did a particular thing that you’ve forgotten the love you have for it. Or maybe the love you used to have for something has faded. Work to rekindle the flame or remember the core of why you loved what you loved, and apply that to something new.
c. You’re afraid: Maybe your passion eludes you because you’re too afraid of what it would mean to know what you’re passionate about. Did you have a bad experience pursuing a passion in the past? Are you afraid that your passion will call on you to be bigger, stronger, brighter, and more out-there in the world than you feel comfortable with? It’s time to face your fear.
You’ll need to actually carve out the time to do whatever you love. It doesn’t have to be a lot of time – any amount dedicated to what you love will make your life better. But, to make yourself a priority, you’re going to have to practice the art of saying no. No to things that waste your time, to things you don’t want to do but feel you should, and to things you want, but that don’t actually make you happier.
It’s not groundbreaking to think that you can actually make time for your passion. What is groundbreaking though, is the shift that comes with actually knowing to your core that you can make time for your passion. It’s one thing to know it in your brain, and quite another to know it in your heart. Shift your heart so that you know that a passion-filled life is possible for you.
4. Consider other people
Sometimes the difficulty in doing what you love comes in the form of feeling you’ll be disappointing others by taking time away from them. You can choose to involve other people in your passion, or you can make room for others to enjoy their own passion. Make it ok in your relationships to pursue things on your own, knowing you come back together as more whole people.
5. Lower the bar
In my work as a coach, I help people find their passions and put them to work – literally. But you don’t have to be paid to do what you love. Sometimes this requirement is just too much out of the gate. For now, begin doing what you love to do. If you love writing, write. If you love cooking, cook. Don’t worry too much that it’s happening in your precious few “spare” hours. As it evolves, you may be able to find a way to make your passions pay the bills, but for now, just do what you love and don’t put so much pressure on yourself.
6. Do what you don’t love (with a happy heart)
Life is funny that way. But when you put your best energy into everything you do, you are rewarded. I can’t pretend to really know the mechanics of this, though I have some ideas. The point is, though, when you constantly push yourself to be the best you can be in any situation, you begin to invite abundance and opportunity into your life.
7. Be fearless
So often I see people get paralyzed by fear. Their brain fast forwards to a yet-to-happen event which causes them to stay stuck. “What happens if I’m not good enough? What happens if I can’t make it?” It’s these fears – fears in anticipation of something that hasn’t even had the chance to occur yet, that prevents some people from even starting. Rest in the knowledge that you can handle whatever comes your way. Then keep moving.
It’s easy to be beaten down by life sometimes, and the view from deep in that rut is less than hopeful. Consciously cultivate a positive attitude. It will carry you through the days when it’s easy to give up on passion – the days when you call your passion names like “pipe-dream.”
9. Do what you love
Don’t waste too much time planning to do what you love. Just do it. Pick up that paintbrush, your guitar, or your running shoes. Remember that often the barriers to doing what we love are of our own creation. You love what you love for a reason. Now get out there and enjoy It !!