Apologizing All the Time Could Be a Sign of Anxiety

The urge is often involuntary—and has little to do with actual remorse.


From a young age, people are taught that when they fuck up, they should apologize. But it’s one thing to express regret for being late to a party and another to apologize for what you decided to wear, or for eating too loudly, or for being in the way, or even for apologizing too much.

Apologies aren’t always helpful—and sometimes they can be excessive. This behavior may stem from anxiety or depression, although research on the topic is scarce. What we do know is that, for some, the urge to say “I’m sorry” for every little thing is involuntary and often has little to do with actual remorse.

“Depending on the purpose of the behavior and the context in which it is occurring, it could be conceptualized as a safety behavior, an overprotective behavior, or compensatory strategy,” says Martin Antony, director of the Anxiety Research and Treatment Lab at Ryerson University. “All of these are terms used to describe behaviors that are designed to protect an individual from aversive emotions or potential threat.”

Apologizing, an action that carries a lot of significance amongst humans, serves an important social function. It can show recognition and value for broken rules and, as the researchers at University of Florida put it, “minimize the negative repercussions of the incident and repair the actor’s damaged identity.”

But when anxiety gets in the way, apologizing can have the opposite effect. “I worry about always saying and doing the right thing,” says Kirsten Corley, a writer who classifies herself as a compulsive apologist. “When you suddenly reevaluate the situation and you realize ‘Oh, I could have said this differently, I could have done this differently,’ it triggers you to want to apologize, it triggers you to want to better the situation.”

In a blog post titled, “Anxiety Makes Me Want To Apologize For Absolutely Everything,” Corley listed the many things she sometimes says sorry about: “Thinking too much, talking too much, texting too much, trying entirely too hard, caring too much, showing it, coming on too strong, if I did. Apologize for the fact that I apologized.”

Over-apologizing can also be an indicator of more serious issues. Susan Heitler, a Denver-based clinical psychologist and author of Prescription Without Pills, says excessive apologizing can occur because of a hyperactive amygdala (the part of the brain that regulates emotions), or in unsafe relationships involving physical or verbal abuse.

“In that case, they may have learned the pattern as a way to stay safe,” Heitler says. “In an abusive relationship, if she’ll say, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done that,’ he feels scot-free and vindicated that what he wanted was right, so he’ll let go of it potentially. So it’s a safety maneuver.”

On the other hand, people with narcissistic personality disorder rarely, if ever, apologize, Heitler says. So there’s a balance to be found, and when done right, apologies can be extremely healthy. Bilateral, two-sided apologies—when both members of a couple recognize their role in conflict—can be signs of a highly functional relationship.

“It also predicts a relationship that will continue to be very strong and positive over time, because the couple has the ability to self-correct, learn and grow, and to heal breaches,” Heitler explains. While excessively apologizing may sometimes be a reflex, it’s not exactly a tic in the formal sense, “unless they are doing it as part of OCD [obsessive-compulsive disorder],” Antony explains.

Because this isn’t a neurologically engendered action, that means it’s possible for those afflicted with unrestrained guilt to amend this habit over time.

“If it was important for someone to reduce this behavior, the treatment would involve strategies for becoming more aware of the behavior, preventing the behavior, and providing people with other, more adaptive responses that they can use instead,” Antony says. “The treatment would likely occur as part of a broader treatment for whatever problem is leading to the excessive apologizing.”

It may also be helpful to consider the “spotlight effect,” the psychological sense that others are keeping close note of our failures. In reality, many people are too inwardly focused on themselves to notice or care much about the details you tend to overemphasize in your mind. Putting things in perspective can relax this reflex.

As Corley puts it, “If you’re caught in a moment where you really are being yourself and then anxiety kicks in and makes you question who you are, take a step back and say, ‘I don’t need to apologize for this.’”

How reading rewires your brain for greater intelligence and empathy

Get lost in a good book. Time and again, reading has been shown to make us healthier, smarter, and more empathic.

Fitness headlines promise staggering physical results: a firmer butt, ripped abs, bulging biceps. Nutritional breakthroughs are similar clickbait, with attention-grabbing, if often inauthentic—what, really, is a “superfood?”—means of achieving better health. Strangely, one topic usually escaping discussion has been shown, time and again, to make us healthier, smarter, and more empathic animals: reading.

Reading, of course, requires patience, diligence, and determination. Scanning headlines and retweeting quips is not going to make much cognitive difference. If anything, such sweet nothings are dangerous, the literary equivalent of sugar addiction. Information gathering in under 140 characters is lazy. The benefits of contemplation through narrative offer another story.

The benefits are plenty, which is especially important in a distracted, smartphone age in which one-quarter of American children don’t learn to read. This not only endangers them socially and intellectually, but cognitively handicaps them for life. One 2009 study of 72 children ages eight to ten discovered that reading creates new white matter in the brain, which improves system-wide communication.

White matter carries information between regions of grey matter, where any information is processed. Not only does reading increase white matter, it helps information be processed more efficiently.

Reading in one language has enormous benefits. Add a foreign language and not only do communication skills improve—you can talk to more people in wider circles—but the regions of your brain involved in spatial navigation and learning new information increase in size. Learning a new language also improves your overall memory.

In one of the most fascinating aspects of neuroscience, language affects regions of your brain involving actions you’re reading about. For example, when you read “soap” and “lavender,” the parts of your brain implicated in scent are activated. Those regions remain silent when you read “chair.” What if I wrote “leather chair?” Your sensory cortex just fired.

Continuing from the opening paragraph, let’s discuss squats in your quest for a firmer butt. Picture the biomechanics required for a squat. Your motor cortex has been activated. Athletes have long envisioned their movements—Serena Williams’s serve; Conor McGregor’s kicks; Usain Bolt’s bursts of speed—to achieve better proficiency while actually moving. That’s because their brains are practicing. That is, they’re practicing through visualization techniques.

Hard glutes are one thing. Novel reading is a great way to practice being human. Rather than sprints and punches, how about something more primitive and necessary in a society, like empathy? As you dive deeper into Rabbit Angstrom’s follies or Jason Taylor coming of age, you not only feel their pain and joy. You actually experience it.

In one respect novels go beyond simulating reality to give readers an experience unavailable off the page: the opportunity to enter fully into other people’s thoughts and feelings.

This has profound implications for how we interact with others. When encountering a 13-year-old boy misbehaving, you most likely won’t think, “Well, David Mitchell wrote about such a situation, and so I should behave like this,” but you might have integrated some of the lessons about young boys figuring life out and display a more nuanced understanding in how you react.

Perhaps you’ll even reconsider trolling someone online regarding their political opinion, remembering that no matter how crass and inhumane a sentiment appears on screen, an actual human is sitting behind the keyboard pecking out their thoughts. I’m not arguing against engaging, but for the love of anything closely resembling humanity, argue intelligently.

Because reading does in fact make us more intelligent. Research shows that reading not only helps with fluid intelligence, but with reading comprehension and emotional intelligence as well. You make smarter decisions about yourself and those around you.

All of these benefits require actually reading, which leads to the formation of a philosophy rather than the regurgitation of an agenda, so prevalent in reposts and online trolling. Recognizing the intentions of another human also plays a role in constructing an ideology. Novels are especially well-suited for this task. A 2011 study published in the Annual Review of Psychology found overlap in brain regions used to comprehend stories and networks dedicated to interactions with others.

Novels consume time and attention. While the benefits are worthwhile, even shorter bursts of prose exhibit profound neurological effects. Poetry elicits strong emotional responses in readers and, as one study shows, listeners. Heart rates, facial expressions, and “movement of their skin and arm hairs” were measured while participants listened to poetry. Forty percent ended up displaying visible goose bumps, as they would while listening to music or watching movies. As for their craniums:

Their neurological responses, however, seemed to be unique to poetry: Scans taken during the study showed that listening to the poems activated parts of participants’ brains that, as other studies have shown, are not activated when listening to music or watching films.

These responses mostly occurred near the conclusion of a stanza and especially near the end of the poem. This fits in well with our inherent need for narrative: in the absence of a conclusion our brain automatically creates one, which, of course, leads to plenty of heartbreak and suffering when our speculations prove to be false. Instead we should turn to more poetry:

There is something fundamental to the poetic form that implies, creates, and instills pleasure.

Whether an Amiri Baraka verse or a Margaret Atwood trilogy, attention matters. Research at Stanford showed a neurological difference between reading for pleasure and focused reading, as if for a test. Blood flows to different neural areas depending on how reading is conducted. The researchers hope this might offer clues for advancing cognitive training methods.

I have vivid memories of my relationship with reading: trying to write my first book (Scary Monster Stories) at age five; creating a mock newspaper after the Bernard Goetz subway shooting when I was nine, my mother scolding me for “thinking about such things”; sitting in the basement of my home in the Jersey suburbs one weekend morning, determined to read the entirety of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which I did.

Reading is like any skill. You have to practice it, regularly and constantly. While I never finished (or really much started) Scary Monster Stories, I have written nine books and read thousands more along the way. Though it’s hard to tell if reading has made me smarter or a better person, I like to imagine that it has.

What I do know is that life would seem a bit less meaningful if we didn’t share stories with one another. While many mediums for transmitting narratives across space and time exist, I’ve found none as pleasurable as cracking open a new book and getting lost in a story. Something profound is always discovered along the way.

What Do Grown Children Really Owe Their Loving Parents?

Children once owed parents labor and a legacy. Today, intergenerational debt is harder (and more emotionally taxing) to calculate.


Wondering what we owe our parents, whether emotionally or financially, is a modern philosophical luxury. Historically, children provided an early return on investment, working family farms, picking up industrial jobs, or, at the minimum, helping to raise other children. But much is given and little is expected from most children raised in 21st-century America. For the most part, we do not ask kids to marry into alliances or assume titles or even, sadly, take over family businesses. This likely constitutes progress, but it confuses the ledger. Where the calculation of what was owed used to be a fairly simple, pay-it-forward list of social norms, modern arithmetic has become complicated, specifically for grown children, who are expected to live independent lives but also to demonstrate some fealty to their forebears.

With more independence and fewer expectations, what we owe our parents or our children’s grandparents is now calculated in man-hours and long-term investments. Do we owe them a call? Do we owe them Thanksgiving? Do we owe them weekends? Do we owe them end of life care? Do we owe them financial support? Do we owe them grandchildren?

Or do we owe them nothing?

The answers to this endless litany of questions seem to arise ad hoc, influenced by different ethnic, economic, and interpersonal experiences. We all find our own way. But, now, researchers and psychologist seem to have found some consistency in how people arrive at their answers that speak to a broader, emerging understanding of what is owed. Americans seem to believe that parents, by dint of being parents, deserve a relationship.

The question often becomes what kind of relationship. Modern philosophers have attempted to solve the conundrum by classifying four theories of what they call filial obligation: Debt Theory, Friendship Theory, Gratitude Theory and Special Goods Theory. Debt Theory posits a simple if sometimes emotionally fraught transaction where children provide caring for parents only to the extent that they were cared for as a child. Friendship Theory suggests adult children only owe parents the same amount of care that they would owe a very good and close friend. Gratitude Theory suggests that children care for parents because they are motivated by gratitude for selfless and benevolent child-rearing. Finally, Special Goods Theory suggests that children are obligated to offer only what they can uniquely offer — love or specific care in most cases — in direct exchange for what the parent has or currently offers (think: inheritance), but unlike in Debt Theory, this transaction is constant and open-ended.

At the heart of all of these theories of familial obligation is some kind of emotional relationship. Whether it’s a feeling of closeness or obligation, this implies that these are not a straight economic transaction. Transactions and economic reasoning may underpin parent-child relationships, but logic doesn’t crowd out emotion.

Fatherly IQ
Should YouTube spend more time and money making sure kids see less inappropriate content?
Yes, it’s the responsible thing to do
Yes, they need to fight the bad actors on their platform
No, the algorithms don’t work and curators are inadequate
No, this whole panic is silly

An interesting way to consider how emotional and economic reason can tangle is provided by the empirical economists Gary Becker and Nigel Tomes who created an economic model of wealth transmission based on the idea of capital investment. The duo found that when parents decide between human capital investments and financial investments, they tend to favor human capital investments, a decision that is both sentimental and profoundly logical. High human capital investments led to higher earnings and more net family consumption (a slightly stronger metric than earnings for analyzing collective rewards and welfare).

Interestingly, Becker and Tomes found that investments in human capital tended to end when diminishing returns brought them in line with financial investments. Mom and dad are not, in short, eager to pay for the second PhD. But the first one makes a sort of emotional, economic, and, yes, social sense.

The cold logic underpinning the decision to investment children makes the following statement of fact slight easier to stomach for parents: Any conclusion about what we owe our father and mothers is ultimately personal. But it turns out that calculation, which tends to occur well into adulthood and evolve well past middle age, isn’t. Not entirely. Intergenerational deals are not just a product of childrens’ noblesse oblige. What parents want is also critical.

As more democratic forms of modern parenting have facilitated the creation of relatively egalitarian relationships, parents have looked more and more to their kids for companionship. In surveys of parents of emerging adults, Dr. Jeffrey Jensen Arnett, Senior Research Scholar at Clark University and author of Emerging Adulthood: The Winding Road from the Late Teens Through the Twenties has found the greatest desire parents have is a friendship with their adult child.

“What parents are really looking for is the payoff,” Arnett explains. “And that’s a relationship for them — a transition to something less hierarchical. It’s even more important than graduating from college and getting a prestigious job. What they are really looking for, above all, is the feeling that their kids love them, and are grateful to them, and enjoy being with them.”

And if an adult child hasn’t worked on becoming a good and decent person that kind of relationship becomes harder to achieve. If they haven’t moved towards self-sufficiency and squandered their parent’s investment, a move past the hierarchical relationship becomes an incredibly tough ask. This is how relationships fall apart. But, and it’s important to remember this, most don’t, which is arguably part of why it still makes sense to have children in the context of a modern society that dumps extreme costs on parents left largely to their own devices (unless Grandma and Grandpa are around).

“The love, the relationship is what makes it gratifying on both sides,” Arnett explains. This would seem to make a striking case for the friendship theory of familial obligation. If parents want a friendship and if children feel the kind of closeness to their parents that they would feel for an incredibly close friend, then both are motivated to continue loving and caring for one another.

At the same time, this also explains why the danger of a grown child-parent relationship souring is such a looming threat in modern American society. Without the growth of a meaningful long-term relationship, parents are likely to feel like they got the raw end of the deal. And, in a sense, they would be right — depending on what sort of childhood they created for their offspring.

A rocky upbringing can profoundly color what children feel they owe their parents, according to social psychologist Dr. Susan Newman, author of Under One Roof Again: All Grown Up and (Re)learning to Live Together Happily. “As an adult child, how much you feel you owe your parents depends on how you were raised,” she explains. “If you had an absent dad, you’re going to feel quite differently and may be reluctant to feel you owe him anything, versus a mom who was always there.”

This would support the special good theory of parenting which suggests reciprocity. If a parent is a bad parent, they’re no longer contributing their special goods to the relationship. That means a child would no longer have to reciprocate. But it would seem that the parent-child relationship is pretty resilient. Considering the survey on emerging adults, a full 76 percent suggest they get along better with their parents when they reach their early twenties than they did in their teens. That suggests despite the rocky, emotional turmoil and limit testing common to the teen years, an adult child still feels they owe a parent contact and a relationship even if they were once considered incompetent jerks.

But it’s important to remember that children will often grow to have children of their own. That means any emotional or economic transaction that once operated in a dyad, essentially between parent and child, now occur in a triad: parent, child, and grandchild. Suddenly, these this calculation become even more difficult. Parents are now grandparents and expect adult children to facilitate a relationship with their grandkids. This sparks a whole new cost and benefits analysis.

If you look at this new kind of relationship through the lens of debt theory. There is a new potential to accrue more debt from parents who’ve become grandparents, considering how much they can give. It seems like a cruel kind of calculus, in a way. But it’s an ongoing emotional task with huge repercussions. “When you do the calculus, thinking about your own children, grandparents suddenly become very important,” Newman says. “They hold the family history. They can step in to cover for you. They project a form of stability to kids a sense of security that there is someone to turn to other than their parents.”

But maybe, also, grandparents are owed contact with grandchildren because of their part raising an adult to be a parent. This a very debt theory oriented view of things. After all, many adult children feel that at most, what is owed, is returning the care that they received as a child. And that ledger can be filled up pretty quickly considering elder care costs. The national average for non-medical, in-home care in 2017 was $21 per hour, while assisted living averaged $3,750 per month, and nursing homes averaged a cost of $227 a day.

“I think most children understand that as their parents get older they will in some way need to be available for care, whether it’s monetary or physical,” Newman says. “There’s all kinds of complicated ways that that happens. Most of us feel we owe our parents that even if they were horrible.”

It’s a very emotional but also logical transaction for the most part. Although it does pay dividends for adult children. For one thing, Newman explains, it helps relieve any guilt a child might have at the end of a parents life. If nothing else they returned the physical care — they were “there for them” at the end. But more importantly, Newman points out, “Your children, their grandchildren, are watching you. It’s very likely that how you treat your parents is exactly how they will treat you.”

The trends in how children calculate what they owe parents is constantly in flux. Consider the fact that post-Great Recession the care children received from parents had a tendency to be drawn out as children retreated back to their homes for lack of employment or tapped mom and dad for monetary assistance to survive during the lean time. Because of that, Dr.Arnetts’ research shows the very idea of owing parents isn’t a consideration for young adults.

“Most emerging adults aren’t thinking about what they owe their parents,” Jensen says. “Emerging adults are very focused on making a life for themselves and building a foundation of adult life.”

For many of these young adults, parents are still very much of a support system. There’s just not enough autonomy or distance. The debt in the relationship is still actively accruing. And for their part, parents don’t mind continuing their investment.

“Parents want to see their kids succeed, and they want to see their kids be happy,” says Jensen. “If that means giving them extra assistance in their twenties, parents are willing to do that … As long as there is a plan with a capital P.”

When a child isn’t following a stringent plan or showing signs of self-sufficiency, parents begin to feel frustrated. Tensions rise. In a way, the emotional and financial transaction that was once unspoken can become suddenly very apparent and spark friction in a relationship.

But as complicated as it is to understand what we owe our parents, one thing remains clear. The need for an ongoing emotional relationship of some kind is acute and is recognized by both parents and children. But that relationship might not exist in any tidy philosophical theory.

Debt theory might work, but accruing emotional and monetary debt from parents doesn’t end at the age of 21. Not in the current economy and certainly not after a parent becomes a grandparent and resumes offering help and care. Gratitude theory is great for understanding motivation, but gratitude could be shown through a heartfelt letter or by paying for a nursing home. It’s too broad to be helpful. And while friendship is great, they can end as people grow apart.

A modern parent-child relationship is unique. It’s an amalgam of benevolence, love, trust, admiration, financial transactions and hopes that the next generation represents a better future. So yes, what we owe parents is a relationship. One that is mutually beneficial. If not financially then at least emotionally, for ourselves our parents and our children.

Selfish people: 14 things they do and how to deal with them

This may sound ironic but it’s true.

Selfish people don’t know they’re being selfish.

They just assume they’re nice people who care about their own happiness more than anything else.

But on their journey towards finding their happiness, they carelessly and intentionally walk over people.

In every relationship, be it platonic or romantic, partners give and take from each other in equal measures without keeping count.

But a relationship with a selfish person means that they extract your love and affections, without giving back in return. They think that they are needed more than they need you.

Unfortunately, the traits of selfish people are not easy to notice. Most of the time, they are people pleasers and hide their dark side very well.

Not until you let them in and drop your guard down that they start showing their true colors.

So watch out for these early signs before you fall into their selfish trap:

1. Selfish people are very good manipulators

A manipulative person refers to someone who seeks to control people and circumstances just to achieve what they want. Selfish people are skilled manipulators by instinct and control freak at heart.

Manipulation is a scary thing because it is not something that we are born with. It is developed over time and is practiced.

A child can be selfish when it comes to their toys but if selfishness is carried on into adulthood, it is one of the worst habits one can actually have.

2. Selfish people are uncaring towards others

Selfish people are uncaring and neglectful to other people’s needs.

For example, if you open up your emotions to them, they will take advantage of you instead of helping you. Or they will not even listen to a word you say.

If you are in this situation, you should not rely on them. Rather, to put your self first when you are with them.

3. Selfish people plot and scheme against you

This happens when the selfish person feels out of control and fails to manipulate you. Their egos are huge that they cannot accept that their supposed manipulation is ruined.

To exact revenge, they will plot and scheme in order to get their own way. They will stop at nothing to gain control of everything.

What you can do in this situation is to counteract with kindness. But if the selfish person cannot deal with this, you have no choice but to let them go.

4. Selfish people are conceited and self-centered

The way selfish people think is that they want to be put first. However, they are not satisfied with being the priority. They also want to put you down.

Ever met someone who insists that everything they say is of relevance and everything that you say is not? That is a classic example of a selfish person.

The way in which to deal with this is to simply ignore them. Let them be how they are and do not let it affect you personally.

5. Selfish people find sharing and giving difficult

Maybe you know of a selfish person but you have some doubts because that someone shows a caring side.

Let me tell you this, it’s all fake. Caring, sharing, and giving are not an easy thing for them to do and those actions will show through in this situation.

For one, they will want something in exchange. Maybe they want everyone to know about it so that they are praised for it.

If you are in this situation, just let their gesture of good will go unnoticed and not to praise them for it.

6. Selfish people expect others to do things for them

A selfish person has a high expectation of himself. He thinks he is above others and they want to be appreciated and put on a pedestal.

Because of their way of thinking, they expect other people to do things for them. When you see that this is happening, do not let them have what they want.

It’s all about control, so do not give it to them.

7. Selfish people do not show weakness or vulnerability

Selfish people do not do anything for free. They have the fear of trying something and feeling that the action doesn’t actually help or serve much of a purpose.

It’s always “What’s in it for me?”

Selfish people are scared to show weakness. They think that by helping other people, he or she is demonstrating weakness or internal insecurity.

They do not realize that everyone has weaknesses, even them. These weaknesses are what make us human but for them, they are above all else so they are close to being perfect.

8. Selfish people don’t accept constructive criticism

People who are selfish cannot and will not accept constructive criticism. Their huge egos just can’t process that constructive criticism is for their own good.

They only think that you are attempting to devalue their work and their potential. This situation will always end up with the selfish person defending themselves.

Indeed, it is very difficult for them to realize that they are wrong.

9. Selfish people believe they deserve everything

Being selfish is not only characterized with self-centeredness but also with false sense of entitlement.

For example, they expect to be continuously rewarded even without doing anything. The reason? They just deserve everything!

They demand that other people value and recognize them as if they had a long history of pursuing that goal.

They believe that they will always be successful because they are who they are.

10. Selfish people do not listen to those who do not agree with them

When you say something to a selfish person, even if it’s constructive, will be taken against you. They will think that you are their enemy and you do not deserve their respect or attention.

Criticism is good because it lets you learn from the opinions of others. But a selfish person has no time to broaden one’s horizons and grow.

11. Selfish people criticize others behind their backs

Selfish people prefer easy judgment and nothing is easier than judging behind a person’s back.

Deep down, they fear that they are not right and will pass this judgement to others, from a distance.

12. Selfish people exaggerate their achievements

One of the most notorious deficiencies of selfish people is their lack of humility.

Humility, considered as a precious human virtue, is needed for us to grow as people and as social beings in our environment.

But selfish people, having huge egos, will always look for ways to stand out and exaggerate their achievements.

They reward themselves too much when something is successful, but make a run for the emergency exit when the project does not turn out well. They can even pass the blame to others.

13. Selfish people are scared of taking risks

Selfish people cannot bring themselves to think of their failure. When they fail, either they run from the situation or blame others.

However, when other people fail is another story. They don’t think twice about giving out severe criticism when others fail.

Most of the time, they are the first ones to tell you that you “should’ve seen that coming.”

14. Selfish people dominate others

Do you know someone who calls you up whenever he or she feels like it? Or asks you to meet them at their whims and fancies?

This is one characteristic of a selfish person – they wrap you around their fingers and it’s pretty hard to break loose. Victims of selfish people end up losing confidence.

If you are in this situation, turn the table around and do not lose your personality. If they can’t take your assertiveness, they will walk out of your life. And that’s a good thing for you.

If you’re wondering how to deal with a selfish person, check out the below 10 tips.

How to deal with selfish people: 10 no-nonsense tips

1) Accept that they have no regards for others

As annoying as it is that you’re dealing with a selfish person, you need to accept the way they are.

Otherwise you’ll get frustrated and annoyed with their behaviour.

Here are some things that you need to accept about them, rather than get frustrated by:

– They won’t put your needs first.
– They won’t be thoughtful and considerate.
– They’ll purely look out for their own interests.

Once you’ve accepted these things about them, you won’t negatively react when they act selfish. Because they will act selfish.

And now you can focus on the below more important ways to deal with them.

2) Give yourself the attention you know you deserve

Selfish people only want attention for themselves. But they don’t want to give it.

So it’s time to turn the tide and focus on yourself.

Forget about their problems that they can’t stop babbling about and focus on you.

If you’re feeling a bit down, ask yourself why. If you feel a little shabby, go and get a haircut and a massage.

You don’t have to ignore your own needs to give attention to a self-absorbed energy sucker.

It will only make you emotionally drained and you won’t be able to help out people who actually do need the help.

3) Whatever you do, don’t fall to their level

Selfish people are frustrating. They only care about themselves and they’ll manipulate you to get what they want.

So it’s crucial that you keep your wits about it and don’t play their game. If you feel like they’re manipulating you so you can help them out, put a stop to it.

In the same vain, don’t emotionally react to their selflish behavior.

If they cause you to be angry or frustrated, then you’re falling to their level of toxic energy, which won’t do anyone any good.

Know yourself and the loving person that you are.

4) Let them know that there’s more to the world than themselves

Selfish people think the whole world revolves around them. When you’re telling a story, they won’t be interested unless it involves them.

So if they’re unwilling to engage in anything that doesn’t involve themselves, it might be time to let them know that they’re not the center of the universe.

Don’t say it in an angry or aggressive manner. Calmly and logically let them know that they might not be as important as they think they are. It might be good for them.

5) Don’t give them attention

Selfish people crave people’s attention. They constantly look for sympathy. This is why they love to play the victim.

So if they’re telling you a story where they’re crying about the world being against them, don’t fall for their ridiculous story and simply tell them that that’s life.

They might be shocked, but it could be the tough love that they need to hear.

What’s more, if you don’t give them the attention they crave, their behavior may slowly change.

6) Don’t just talk about what they’re interested in – talk about what interests you

Self-absorbed people can sabotage your conversations so that they only talk about themselves and what they’re interested in.

Be mindful of this and don’t let it happen.

You’re not there to simply be a listener, especially when the topic of conversation is boring and it’s all about them.

Bring up random and interesting stories that you love to talk about. If they can’t handle it and want to get away from you, even better!

7) Stop doing everything that they demand you to do

There’s no getting around it: Selfish people want people to do things for them.

The kicker?

They won’t do anything for anyone else.

While it’s important to help out someone when they need help, there’s a line you don’t cross.

If they’re constantly asking you to do things for them and they’re doing nothing in return, then you need to put a stop to this one sided agreement.

It’s time to be assertive and stand up for yourself.

In a sensible manner, let them know that they never do anything for you and expect the world for themselves. You’re just as important as they are.

8) Don’t spend too much time with them

This is an obvious one, but many people make the same mistake over and over.

If you’re getting frustrated with how toxic and self-absorbed they are, limit your time with them.

Simple, right?

Sometimes you have to respect yourself and your time. They might complain that you don’t have much time for them anymore, but stand firm.

Only see them every now and then. In this way, you can keep the friendship going but you won’t be as affected by their toxic energy.

9) Hang out with people better

The people you hang out with have a huge influence on your life.

According to life hacking expert Tim Ferriss, we’re the average of the 5 people we hang out with most.

If you continually hang out with selfish people, you might become selfish yourself. Now I know and you know that you don’t want that.

So what can you do? Hang out with people who are positive and uplifting. Life is too short to spend time with toxic and selfish people!

10) End the relationship

This is a drastic step. But if this selfish person is really getting to you and they’re seriously hindering your life, then you might want to consider what life might look without them.

If this selfish person is a narcissist, it’s not out of the question that they’ll damage you emotionally.

Narcissists are all about themselves and they’ll do anything to get what they want.

Sometimes you need to look out for yourself and your own emotional health. If you feel that they have the potential to damage you, then it might be time to bite the bullet and get rid of them.

In Conclusion

Selfish people cause pain to the people around them.

They shatter hearts and cause problems for anyone.

Selfishness comes with immaturity. The most you can do is to let them stop controlling you to teach them that they’re wrong.

Let them know that they cannot control you. Hopefully, they will get the hint and go away.

Or they will realize it’s time to change.

Just keep your fingers crossed.

There Is No Such Thing as Conscious Thought

Philosopher Peter Carruthers insists that conscious thought, judgment and volition are illusions. They arise from processes of which we are forever unaware
There Is No Such Thing as Conscious Thought
Credit: Getty Images

Peter Carruthers, Distinguished University Professor of Philosophy at the University of Maryland, College Park, is an expert on the philosophy of mind who draws heavily on empirical psychology and cognitive neuroscience. He outlined many of his ideas on conscious thinking in his 2015 book The Centered Mind: What the Science of Working Memory Shows Us about the Nature of Human Thought. More recently, in 2017, he published a paper with the astonishing title of “The Illusion of Conscious Thought.” In the following excerpted conversation, Carruthers explains to editor Steve Ayan the reasons for his provocative proposal.

What makes you think conscious thought is an illusion?

I believe that the whole idea of conscious thought is an error. I came to this conclusion by following out the implications of the two of the main theories of consciousness. The first is what is called the Global Workspace Theory, which is associated with neuroscientists Stanislas Dehaene and Bernard Baars. Their theory states that to be considered conscious a mental state must be among the contents of working memory (the “user interface” of our minds) and thereby be available to other mental functions, such as decision-making and verbalization. Accordingly, conscious states are those that are “globally broadcast,” so to speak. The alternative view, proposed by Michael Graziano, David Rosenthal and others, holds that conscious mental states are simply those that you know of, that you are directly aware of in a way that doesn’t require you to interpret yourself. You do not have to read you own mind to know of them. Now, whichever view you adopt, it turns out that thoughts such as decisions and judgments should not be considered to be conscious. They are not accessible in working memory, nor are we directly aware of them. We merely have what I call “the illusion of immediacy”—the false impression that we know our thoughts directly.

One might easily agree that the sources of one’s thoughts are hidden from view—we just don’t know where our ideas come from. But once we have them and we know it, that’s where consciousness begins. Don’t we have conscious thoughts at least in this sense?

In ordinary life we are quite content to say things like “Oh, I just had a thought” or “I was thinking to myself.” By this we usually mean instances of inner speech or visual imagery, which are at the center of our stream of consciousness—the train of words and visual contents represented in our minds. I think that these trains are indeed conscious. In neurophilosophy, however, we refer to “thought” in a much more specific sense. In this view, thoughts include only nonsensory mental attitudes, such as judgments, decisions, intentions and goals. These are amodal, abstract events, meaning that they are not sensory experiences and are not tied to sensory experiences. Such thoughts never figure in working memory. They never become conscious. And we only ever know of them by interpreting what does become conscious, such as visual imagery and the words we hear ourselves say in our heads.

So consciousness always has a sensory basis?

I claim that consciousness is always bound to a sensory modality, that there is inevitably some auditory, visual or tactile aspect to it. All kinds of mental imagery, such as inner speech or visual memory, can of course be conscious. We see things in our mind’s eye; we hear our inner voice. What we are conscious of are the sensory-based contents present in working memory.

In your view, is consciousness different from awareness?

That’s a difficult question. Some philosophers believe that consciousness can be richer than what we can actually report. For example, our visual field seems to be full of detail—everything is just there, already consciously seen. Yet experiments in visual perception, especially the phenomenon of inattentional blindness, show that in fact we consciously register only a very limited slice of the world. [Editors’ note: A person experiencing inattentional blindness may not notice that a gorilla walked across a basketball court while the individual was focusing on the movement of the ball.] So, what we think we see, our subjective impression, is different from what we are actually aware of. Probably our conscious mind grasps only the gist of much of what is out there in the world, a sort of statistical summary. Of course, for most people consciousness and awareness coincide most of the time. Still, I think, we are not directly aware of our thoughts. Just as we are not directly aware of the thoughts of other people. We interpret our own mental states in much the same way as we interpret the minds of others, except that we can use as data in our own case our own visual imagery and inner speech.

You call the process of how people learn their own thoughts interpretive sensory access, or ISA. Where does the interpretation come into play?

Let’s take our conversation as an example—you are surely aware of what I am saying to you at this very moment. But the interpretative work and inferences on which you base your understanding are not accessible to you. All the highly automatic, quick inferences that form the basis of your understanding of my words remain hidden. You seem to just hear the meaning of what I say. What rises to the surface of your mind are the results of these mental processes. That is what I mean: The inferences themselves, the actual workings of our mind, remain unconscious. All that we are aware of are their products. And my access to your mind, when I listen to you speak, is not different in any fundamental way from my access to my own mind when I am aware of my own inner speech. The same sorts of interpretive processes still have to take place.

Why, then, do we have the impression of direct access to our mind?

The idea that minds are transparent to themselves (that everyone has direct awareness of their own thoughts) is built into the structure of our “mind reading” or “theory of mind” faculty, I suggest. The assumption is a useful heuristic when interpreting the statements of others. If someone says to me, “I want to help you,” I have to interpret whether the person is sincere, whether he is speaking literally or ironically, and so on; that is hard enough. If I also had to interpret whether he is interpreting his own mental state correctly, then that would make my task impossible. It is far simpler to assume that he knows his own mind (as, generally, he does). The illusion of immediacy has the advantage of enabling us to understand others with much greater speed and probably with little or no loss of reliability. If I had to figure out to what extent others are reliable interpreters of themselves, then that would make things much more complicated and slow. It would take a great deal more energy and interpretive work to understand the intentions and mental states of others. And then it is the same heuristic transparency-of-mind assumption that makes my own thoughts seem transparently available to me.

What is the empirical basis of your hypothesis?

There is a great deal of experimental evidence from normal subjects, especially of their readiness to falsely, but unknowingly, fabricate facts or memories to fill in for lost ones. Moreover, if introspection were fundamentally different from reading the minds of others, one would expect there to be disorders in which only one capacity was damaged but not the other. But that’s not what we find. Autism spectrum disorders, for example, are not only associated with limited access to the thoughts of others but also with a restricted understanding of oneself. In patients with schizophrenia, the insight both into one’s own mind and that of others is distorted. There seems to be only a single mind-reading mechanism on which we depend both internally and in our social relations.

What side effect does the illusion of immediacy have?

The price we pay is that we believe subjectively that we are possessed of far greater certainty about our attitudes than we actually have. We believe that if we are in mental state X, it is the same as being in that state. As soon as I believe I am hungry, I am. Once I believe I am happy, I am. But that is not really the case. It is a trick of the mind that makes us equate the act of thinking one has a thought with the thought itself.

What might be the alternative? What should we do about it, if only we could?

Well, in theory, we would have to distinguish between an experiential state itself on the one hand and our judgment or belief underlying this experience on the other hand. There are rare instances when we succeed in doing so: for example, when I feel nervous or irritated but suddenly realize that I am actually hungry and need to eat.

You mean that a more appropriate way of seeing it would be: “I think I’m angry, but maybe I’m not”?

That would be one way of saying it. It is astonishingly difficult to maintain this kind of distanced view of oneself. Even after many years of consciousness studies, I’m still not all that good at it (laughs).

Brain researchers put a lot of effort into figuring out the neural correlates of consciousness, the NCC. Will this endeavor ever be successful?

I think we already know a lot about how and where working memory is represented in the brain. Our philosophical concepts of what consciousness actually is are much more informed by empirical work than they were even a few decades ago. Whether we can ever close the gap between subjective experiences and neurophysiological processes that produce them is still a matter of dispute.

Would you agree that we are much more unconscious than we think we are?

I would rather say that consciousness is not what we generally think it is. It is not direct awareness of our inner world of thoughts and judgments but a highly inferential process that only gives us the impression of immediacy.

Where does that leave us with our concept of freedom and responsibility?

We can still have free will and be responsible for our actions. Conscious and unconscious are not separate spheres; they operate in tandem. We are not simply puppets manipulated by our unconscious thoughts, because obviously, conscious reflection does have effects on our behavior. It interacts with and is fueled by implicit processes. In the end, being free means acting in accordance with one’s own reasons—whether these are conscious or not.

Briefly Explained: Consciousness

Consciousness is generally understood to mean that an individual not only has an idea, recollection or perception but also knows that he or she has it. For perception, this knowledge encompasses both the experience of the outer world (“it’s raining”) and one’s internal state (“I’m angry”). Experts do not know how human consciousness arises. Nevertheless, they generally agree on how to define various aspects of it. Thus, they distinguish “phenomenal consciousness” (the distinctive feel when we perceive, for example, that an object is red) and “access consciousness” (when we can report on a mental state and use it in decision-making).

Important characteristics of consciousness include subjectivity (the sense that the mental event belongs to me), continuity (it appears unbroken) and intentionality (it is directed at an object). According to a popular scheme of consciousness known as Global Workspace Theory, a mental state or event is conscious if a person can bring it to mind to carry out such functions as decision-making or remembering, although how such accessing occurs is not precisely understood. Investigators assume that consciousness is not the product of a single region of the brain but of larger neural networks. Some theoreticians go so far as to posit that it is not even the product of an individual brain. For example, philosopher Alva Noë of the University of California, Berkeley, holds that consciousness is not the work of a single organ but is more like a dance: a pattern of meaning that emerges between brains.

Can Intelligence Buy You Happiness?

New research suggests that IQ leads to greater well-being by enabling one to acquire the financial and educational means necessary to live a better life.

Can Intelligence Buy You Happiness?

In his classic 1923 essay, “Intelligence as the Tests Test It“, Edwin Boring wrote “Intelligence is what the tests test.” Almost a century of research later, we know that this definition is far too narrow. As long as a test is sufficiently cognitively complex and taps into enough diverse content, you can get a rough snapshot of a person’s general cognitive ability— and general cognitive ability predicts a wide range of important outcomes in life, including academic achievement, occupational performance, health, and longevity.

But what about happiness? Prior studies have been mixed about this, with some studies showing no relationship between individual IQ and happiness, and other studies showing that those in the lowest IQ range report the lowest levels of happiness compared to those in the highest IQ group. In one study, however, the unhappiness of the lowest IQ range was reduced by 50% once income and mental health issues were taken into account. The authors concluded that “interventions that target modifiable variables such as income (e.g., through enhancing education and employment opportunities) and neurotic symptoms (e.g., through better detection of mental health problems) may improve levels of happiness in the lower IQ groups.”

One major limitations of these prior studies, however, is that they all rely on a single measure of happiness, notably life satisfaction. Modern day researchers now have measures to assess a much wider array of indicators of well-being, including autonomy, personal growth, positive relationships, self-acceptance, mastery, and purpose and meaning in life.

Enter a new study conducted by Ana Dimitrijevic and colleagues, in which they attempted to assess the relationship between multiple indicators of intelligence and multiple indicators of well-being. They relied on the following definition of intelligence: “the ability to understand complex ideas, to adapt effectively to the environment, to learn from experience, to engage in various forms of reasoning, and to overcome obstacles by taking thought.” This definition covers several more specific notions of intelligence, such as emotional intelligence.

The researchers administered a battery of intelligence and well-being measures to 288 adults employed within various departments of a large dairy production company in Belgrade. What did they found?

Intelligence and Well-Being

The researchers found that both IQ and emotional intelligence were independently correlated with well-being.* IQ was positively correlated with personal relationships, self-acceptance, personal growth, mastery, and purpose in life.** Emotional intelligence was correlated with the same well-being measures, but was additionally related to a sense of autonomy in life.

Zooming in on the IQ test, the most predictive subscale for well-being was a measure of non-verbal fluid reasoning, which requires pattern detection and abstract reasoning (constructing generalizable principles from minimal information). Some people argue that this form of reasoning is strongly related to general intelligence.

Once socioeconomic status (SES) was taken into account (reflecting higher education and income), however, there was no relationship between IQ and well-being. According to the researchers, this suggests that IQ leads “to greater contentment with oneself and life primarily by enabling one to acquire the social status and financial means which ensure better opportunities and quality of life.” Of course, this does not mean that IQ is simply a measure of SES; IQ was positively correlated with well-being. However, it does suggest that the extent to which IQ is related to happiness depends to a large extent on the opportunities (e.g., financial, educational) you have to utilize your IQ.

What about emotional intelligence? The emotional intelligence tests that were most predictive of well-being were the two higher, more “strategic” branches– Understanding and Managing Emotions. The person who scores higher in these facets of emotional intelligence are better able to comprehend the emotional signals coming from others, and to regulate and manage their own and others’ emotions so as to further their own and others’ personal and social goals.

Emotional intelligence had a direct effect on well-being, and this association remained strong even after controlling for SES. What’s more, of the two measures of intelligence– IQ and emotional intelligence– emotional intelligence was the strongest predictor of well-being, outweighing not only IQ, but also a person’s SES and age. This finding suggests that emotional intelligence– particularly the capacity to manage one’s emotions toward optimal personal goal attainment– is a form of intelligence that can help people live a more fulfilled life regardless of their economic circumstances.

Why Is Intelligence Associated with Well-Being?

I think intelligence matters for a fulfilling life for a number of reasons. For one, a higher IQ is a gateway to better education. Those with higher IQ scores are much more likely to score well on standardized tests of achievement, and academic performance is often the first hurdle necessary to continue up the ladder of occupational opportunities.

Also relevant here is the association between IQ and openness to experience. Those with a higher IQ tend to score higher in a number of facets of openness to experience, including intellectual engagement, intellectual creativity, introspection, ingenuity, intellectual depth, and imagination. This tendency for deeper cognitive processing is critical for dealing with a lot of life’s up and downs. While trauma is inevitable in life, research shows that we can grow from our traumas if we have a healthy form of rumination in which we reflect on the deeper meaning of the event and can use that cognitive processing to perceive greater opportunities for ourselves and others.

Regarding emotional intelligence, since having a fulfilling life often requires accomplishing the goals you have set out for yourself, it makes sense that being able to manage your emotions in the service of a larger goal will be associated with well-being and self-actualization.

Perhaps the most important analysis will turn out to be how IQ and emotional intelligence interact. There is some evidence that in certain contexts, emotional intelligence can amplify the effectiveness of a high IQ, and high emotional intelligence can even compensate for a lower IQ. Future research should definitely look more closely at the interaction between these two important aspects of human intelligence.

Of course, it’s possible that the findings operate in reverse causation, and being happier increases intellectual skills. Most likely, both directions are at play in the correlations found in the study. Clearly more research will need to look at the association between intelligence and well-being over time.

At any rate, I’m pleased to see that this line of research is being conducted. I believe a great responsibility we have as a society is to ensure that all people– regardless of their IQ score– are able to self-actualize and lead a life of self-acceptance, autonomy, meaning, and positive social relationships.

* It should be noted that IQ and emotional intelligence were moderately correlated with each other. This suggests that both tests are tapping into a common set of processes (e.g., executive functioning, working memory, etc.), even though IQ and emotional intelligence also involve a partially different set of skills.

15 Common Traits of People With True Integrity

Trust and integrity are the foundations of a good relationship.

While anyone can say they are reliable in a job interview or on a first date, how do you know if they are in fact a person with genuine integrity?

When determining if the people in your life are truly trustworthy, here are 15 habits integral to people with genuine integrity.

1. Trustworthy

Trust goes beyond just agreeing to keep a secret or watching your cat for the weekend. Being trustworthy means they can be counted on no matter what.

2. Accountable

We all make mistakes, but a person with genuine integrity knows when to take the blame. If a mistake was made, then they will be the first to admit if they had a hand in it.

3. Reliable

Along with accountability, reliability is another big clue to someone’s integrity. No one likes someone who promises big but doesn’t deliver. Integrity means following through and being reliable.

4. Sharing the Spotlight

This is particularly important in the office.

If you’re working on a project with a team, but only one person takes the credit, you know you won’t want to work with them in future.

It can seriously sour both the office environment and the home if your partner or colleague doesn’t share any credit.

If your co-worker gives your fellow teammates a shoutout that’s important.

If they work well in a team and share the responsibility, that’s also a sign that they are genuine and responsible.

5. Humble

A little humility goes a long way, but if you have someone in your life who is constantly avoiding praise or compliments, remind them of how important and valuable they are, and that it’s ok to accept the praise.

You can judge someone’s integrity based on how they handle compliments.

On the other hand, someone without a lot of humility might not be able to keep their ego in check.

6. Working to Find a Solution

Even people with the best moral compass and a stringent code of ethics will find themselves in an argument or disagreement at one point or another. It’s human nature.

However, people with integrity don’t spend their time arguing their side. Instead, they will work to find a solution and compromise.

7. Genuine

Finding a genuine person might be a little like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

Being genuine means being sincere in everything you do. When a person of integrity gives you a compliment, you know they genuinely mean it.

Or if they ask how you are, you know they genuinely care. Genuine people are also direct. Calling it like it is, not maliciously, but simply being frank, is a good measurement of someone’s character.

8. Generous

You can tell a lot about a person based on how they talk to the server at a restaurant. Genuine people don’t treat the waitstaff as second-class citizens.

But you can also tell a lot about someone based on how they tip, donate to a cause in need, or discuss money among friends and family. Generosity and genuineness tend to go hand in hand.

9. Lending a Helping Hand

Beyond donating to the local food pantry or the Red Cross, genuine integrity means naturally lending a helping hand if it’s needed.

Someone who doesn’t mind giving their time, perhaps even more than their money, obviously cares deeply for other people.

10. Kindness

People with integrity know that being kind to others is priority number one.

If they see someone is having a rough day, they will go out of their way to make them feel better. People with integrity are always ready with a kind word or smile.

11. Raising Others Up

Sometimes you come across people who love to tear others down. Everyone needs someone who supports them, but those with integrity go the extra mile.

Genuine individuals want you to succeed so they will hold you to your goals and help you achieve them.

12. Valuing Other’s Time

The last thing you need is someone who doesn’t value your time. People with integrity will always have time for you or will fit you in their schedule when they can.

It’s more than just being reliable; genuine integrity means respecting people’s time and showing up to appointments and dates promptly.

13. Intuitive

Do you have that friend who seems to be able to read your feelings no matter how well you try and cover them up? It’s because they’re intuitive, and it’s a valuable trait to have.

Intuitive people don’t just know how you’re feeling; they can sense when something’s up or when you’re upset, and most importantly will do whatever they can to make you feel better.

People with integrity use their intuition wisely, strengthening relationships and helping to mediate uncomfortable situations.

14. Believing People

Not only can genuine and reliable people be trusted, but they also trust and rely on other people. For people with integrity, you’re in their good graces unless you give them a good reason not to be.

They will take someone at their word and leave it at that. If you owe them money, they won’t hammer you. If you tell them something, they will take you at your word.

15. Seeing The Best in Others

Along with taking people at their word, there is something to be said for the way people with integrity view others.

You might know one or two people who can see the best in people rather than the worst, sometimes even to a fault.

This a trait that not many have, but those who do are well worth keeping in your life because they can often offer a different if sometimes, challenging perspective.

If you’re trying to determine if someone has real integrity, if they can be relied on, and if they are kind of person worth having in your life, look for these 15 traits.

These habits come second nature to genuine and trustworthy people, and if you have someone in your life who has integrity, count yourself lucky.

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Source: Higher Perspective

Former Facebook exec says social media is ripping apart society

‘No civil discourse, no cooperation; misinformation, mistruth.’

Chamath Palihapitiya speaks at a Vanity Fair event in October 2016.

Another former Facebook executive has spoken out about the harm the social network is doing to civil society around the world. Chamath Palihapitiya, who joined Facebook in 2007 and became its vice president for user growth, said he feels “tremendous guilt” about the company he helped make. “I think we have created tools that are ripping apart the social fabric of how society works,” he told an audience at Stanford Graduate School of Business, before recommending people take a “hard break” from social media.

Palihapitiya’s criticisms were aimed not only at Facebook, but the wider online ecosystem. “The short-term, dopamine-driven feedback loops we’ve created are destroying how society works,” he said, referring to online interactions driven by “hearts, likes, thumbs-up.” “No civil discourse, no cooperation; misinformation, mistruth. And it’s not an American problem — this is not about Russians ads. This is a global problem.”

He went on to describe an incident in India where hoax messages about kidnappings shared on WhatsApp led to the lynching of seven innocent people. “That’s what we’re dealing with,” said Palihapitiya. “And imagine taking that to the extreme, where bad actors can now manipulate large swathes of people to do anything you want. It’s just a really, really bad state of affairs.” He says he tries to use Facebook as little as possible, and that his children “aren’t allowed to use that shit.” He later adds, though, that he believes the company “overwhelmingly does good in the world.”

Palihapitiya’s remarks follow similar statements of contrition from others who helped build Facebook into the powerful corporation it is today. In November, early investor Sean Parker said he has become a “conscientious objector” to social media, and that Facebook and others had succeeded by “exploiting a vulnerability in human psychology.” A former product manager at the company, Antonio Garcia-Martinez, has said Facebook lies about its ability to influence individuals based on the data it collects on them, and wrote a book, Chaos Monkeys, about his work at the firm.

These former employees have all spoken out at a time when worry about Facebook’s power is reaching fever pitch. In the past year, concerns about the company’s role in the US election and its capacity to amplify fake news have grown, while other reports have focused on how the social media site has been implicated in atrocities like the “ethnic cleansing” of Myanmar’s Rohingya ethnic group.

In his talk, Palihapitiya criticized not only Facebook, but Silicon Valley’s entire system of venture capital funding. He said that investors pump money into “shitty, useless, idiotic companies,” rather than addressing real problems like climate change and disease. Palihapitiya currently runs his own VC firm, Social Capital, which focuses on funding companies in sectors like healthcare and education.

Palihapitiya also notes that although tech investors seem almighty, they’ve achieved their power more through luck than skill. “Everybody’s bullshitting,” he said. “If you’re in a seat, and you have good deal flow, and you have precious capital, and there’s a massive tailwind of technological change … Over time you get one of the 20

and you look like a genius. And nobody wants to admit that but that’s the fucking truth.”

Emotional resilience: 10 crucial habits

There are few character traits more valuable and underrated than resilience.

Strength, bravery, intelligence, will—while all these qualities may be great to have, there is one common element they all share, and that’s resilience.

Emotional resilience is your ability to pick yourself up after you fall down.

Resilience keeps your nose in the book and your will alive, even when everyone around you has given up.

Emotional resilience is the difference between wanting a dream and turning that dream into reality.

And while some people naturally have a vat of resilience to pull from, the rest of us have to build it.

Here are 10 ways you can start building your emotional resilience and becoming a stronger version of you:

1) Find Your Purpose

So many of us go through life on a kind of prolonged autopilot. We go from one stage of life to another—school, work, marriage, family—without truly asking ourselves: what do we want to do in life?

Your career and your partner can act as substitutes for your purpose while you search for one, but if you never find the thing that fills you with single-minded commitment, then you will never truly want to push yourself as far as you can go.

2) Look on the Bright Side

We get it—life is tough, and staying positive and optimistic can be one of the greatest struggles you might ever go through.

Life can beat you down and make you feel like the smallest thing in the world, and there are times when you need to retreat and heal.

But that can’t be your only response. You have to stand back up after every hardship, and the best way to do that is by looking on the bright side.

Even if all the odds are against you, find the positivity, the possibility of a happy ending, and use that mental image to pull yourself forward.

3) Find Others

Humans are social creatures, and it’s no surprise that those with strong bonds and communities are those that have traditionally thrived.

Sticking to yourself might seem like the best option, especially if you have a history of being let down and even betrayed.

But you won’t be able to achieve the resilience you need if you have no one to lean on except yourself.

Accept your own weaknesses and limitations, and find others you can draw strength from in your times of need.

4) Never Stop Evolving

Your contribution to the world is the legacy you will leave behind. So what will your contribution be?

Just your presence, your effort, your kindness? Or will you leave behind something more unique, something that truly marks your place in the history you want to set?

It isn’t enough to just “be” if you want to stay relevant and resilient. You have to “be” the best version of yourself you can be, and that means evolving and developing your skills. Focus on your skills, build your strengths, and become a force that only you can be.

5) Set Goals

There is nothing more chaotic than a crisis, and for most people, a crisis is enough to rock their entire world.

Even the most resilient people will find themselves overwhelmed at times by the worst crises in their lives, but the difference between a resilient individual and someone who isn’t is their response to the crisis.

And that response? Set goals. Find your next step, and get to it as fast as you can. Start clearing the chaos before the chaos clears you.

6) Take Care of You

We all know stress. Some of us run away from it, some of us slam ourselves against it until it goes away.

But one way or another, stress has the tendency to make us forget about ourselves. Eating healthy, getting enough exercise, sleeping enough every night: all of these habits can go out the window when you are stressed, and that makes the situation even worse.

Always take care of you before anything else.

7) Adapt to Change

One rule of life is that nothing ever stays the same. It can be heartbreaking and tough when a great situation is forced to change, but refusing to adapt to that change can make or break who you are as a person.

Accept the inevitability of change, and get ahead of the curve before it leaves you behind.

8) Believe In Yourself

Believing in yourself is a key force you have in overcoming the stress of life’s greatest obstacles.

Even if the odds are stacked against you, saying to yourself that you are capable of what you need to do is enough mental motivation to get you through to the next stage.

9) Be Active, Not Reactive

Some of us wait for problems to occur. If you have a great situation going, you might be tempted to relax and let yourself enjoy the moment.

But don’t enjoy the moment too long: as stated earlier, everything in life will change. Problems that you never expected will come up out of nowhere, and your capacity to overcome them will rely on how much you prepared for it.

Don’t wait for problems to come up; start solving them before they happen.

10) Learn How to Solve All Problems

And finally, the most resilient individuals know that problems can pop up around every corner.

The better you equip yourself with problem-solving skills, the easier it will be to get through even the most alien situations.

And don’t stick to the same solution every time: be creative, be innovative, and find new ways to tackle old issues.

The more creatively you learn how to solve problems, the more resilient you will be when the worst days come by.

Can Introverts Be Happy in a World That Can’t Stop Talking?

Acceptance is key to the well-being and authenticity of introverts.
Can Introverts Be Happy in a World That Can't Stop Talking?

The subtitle of Susan Cain’s bestseller “Quiet” is “The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.” The idea that introverts can still flourish despite the cultural message of the “extravert ideal” clearly resonated with a lot of people.

However, until recently, the science of well-being really didn’t support this idea. Study after study looking at the link between personality and well-being kept pointing to the conclusion that extraverted people tend to experience higher levels of happiness than do those who are introverted. But in recent years, a number of more nuanced studies have challenged this strong conclusion, and suggests that there is much more to this story than meets the eye. As we’ll see, it is very possible to thrive and flourish as an introvert, even in a world that can’t stop talking.

We’ll take a closer look at these new studies, but first things first: what is introversion?

What is Introversion?

There are a number of different conceptualizations of introversion floating around the internet, so let me clarify how introversion is treated in the scientific literature. In modern day personality research, extraversion is considered one of the main factors of personality. Extraversion comprises a constellation of characteristics– such as being outgoing, sociable, expressive, and assertive– that are all linked by a high sensitivity to rewards in the environment. Therefore, introversion lies simply on the other end of this pole, and is characterized by being more reserved and quiet, and a lower threshold of sensitivity to rewards in the environment.

That’s it. There are a lot of common misconceptions about introversion, however, such as the idea that introverts are necessarily shy (that’s only the case if introverts also score high in the personality trait neuroticism) or are more likely to be creative and imaginative (that’s only the case if introverts also score high in the personality trait openness to experience). Personality neuroscientist Colin DeYoung explains it as follows:

“People who score low in Extraversion are not necessarily turned inward; rather, they are less engaged, motivated, and energized by the possibilities for reward that surround them. Hence, they talk less, are less driven, and experience less enthusiasm. They may also find levels of stimulation that are rewarding and energizing for someone high in Extraversion merely annoying or tiring (or even overwhelming, depending on their level of Neuroticism). Their reserved demeanor is not likely to indicate an intense engagement with the world of imagination and ideas, however, unless they are also high in [openness to experience].”

The New Science of Introversion

With that out of the way, we can now dive deep into the “new” science of introversion. I refer to it as the new science to distinguish it from the earlier conclusions that were much more black-and-white (extraversion = happiness). As early as 2001, the literature started to observe a substantial subset of “happy introverts” in their samples.

One recent line of research suggests that there are multiple personality pathways to well-being. In this series of studies, I teamed up with Jessie Sun and Luke Smillie to take a more finely grained look at the multiple aspects of personality and the multiple dimensions of well-being (not only happiness but also important sources of well-being such as meaning, self-acceptance, autonomy, and personal growth). We found the following five aspects of personality were most predictive of a wide range of indicators of well-being: enthusiasm, low withdrawal, industriousness/grit, compassion, and intellectual curiosity. Therefore, regardless of one’s overall levels of introversion, if one of these other paths to well-being is cultivated, it is still possible to be a very happy introvert.

Another line of research led by Rowan Jacques-Hamilton investigated the costs of sustained extraverted behavior in everyday life. I highlighted the word “sustained” because it turns out this is a really important caveat. Prior research had shown that no matter one’s placement on the extraversion-introversion continuum, those who more naturally acted extraverted were more likely to feel authentic in the moment. Consistent with that finding, Jacques-Hamilton and his colleagues found that asking participants to “act extraverted” for one week in everyday life had “wholly positive” benefits for positive emotions and reports of authenticity for the sample overall.

However, the important nuance is that more introverted people displayed weaker increases in positive emotions, experienced increased negative emotions and tiredness, and experienced decreased feelings of authenticity over the course of the experiment. This research highlights the costs of repeatedly acting out of character, and also the costs of being forced to act of character (the experimenters explicitly instructed the participants to act in a certain way).

This has deep implications for the well-being of introverts who live in cultures where extraversion is highly valued and emphasized as the ideal way of being. C. Ashley Fulmer and her colleagues investigated the relationship between extraversion and happiness and self-esteem across 7,000 people from 28 societies and found that the positive relationship between extraversion and happiness and self-esteem was much greater when a person’s level of extraversion matched the average level of extraversion of their society. This research suggests that person-environment fit matters quite a bit when looking at the relationship between introversion and well-being. The researchers proposed a “person-culture match hypothesis” that argues that culture can function as an important amplifier of the positive effect of personality on self-esteem and happiness.*

Importantly, not all of these studies are quantitative. The qualitative approach offers a way to more deeply understand the lived experience of introverts. In an important qualitative analysis of introverts in the context of medical school in the United States (a context in which extraverted behaviors are frequently rewarded), Ralph Gillies and colleagues found that self-identified introverts mentioned feeling at times like misfits, questioning a need to change their identity to succeed in medical school, and being judged as underperformers. Here are a few reports from the self-identified introverts in the study:

  • “One of the issues that people may have with introverts in general is that they just don’t know what’s going on with them. I know more than a few people who have said that I was intimidating or seemed standoffish, just because I didn’t talk much. Just because we aren’t constantly talking and letting everyone know everything that’s going on inside our heads we come across as the weird ones.”
  • “After reading Dale Carnegie’s book on how to influence people, I felt the writer was telling me that I would have to change my personality/identity in order to make positive changes in other people’s lives.”

The researchers offered some recommendations for how medical school can be more welcoming and appreciative of introverts, such as pausing between a question being asked and the initial response and differentiating between anxious and introverted behaviors. Critically, some of the introverts in the study expressed immense relief and validation after viewing Susan Cain’s TED talk on the potential strengths of introverts.

All of this research suggests that perhaps the biggest key to being a happy introvert is simply self-acceptance; not forcing oneself to repeatedly act out of character, or to think of oneself as merely deviations from an “ideal” personality. This conclusion is strongly supported by a just published study in the Journal of Happiness Studies by Rodney Lawn and colleagues.

The Australian researchers had people indicate their placement on the extraversion-introversion continuum, and then asked them to indicate their ideal placement on the same continuum. It was clear that there was a distinct cultural preference for extraversion. They found that a whopping 96% of people believed that extraverted characteristics were more valued than introverted characteristics in their society, and 82.2% of the participants also believed it was necessary to display extraverted characteristics in going about their daily life. What’s more, the majority of participants (53.6%) wanted to be more extraverted, and those who were more introverted were particularly likely to want to be more extraverted. These findings are consistent with prior work showing that in the West, 87% of people explicitly express a goal of becoming more extraverted.

But the story doesn’t stop there. Lawn and colleagues found that the introverts in their sample who were comfortable with their introversion showed higher levels of authenticity than did those who wanted to be more extraverted, and were able to achieve a level of well-being that came close to the level experienced by extraverts. These findings suggest that simply making a change in one’s judgment about one’s placement on the extraversion-introversion continuum can have a profound effect on well-being and authenticity. As the researchers note,

“Introverts who can learn to be more comfortable with their place on the introversion-extraversion continuum, for example, better thrive in our schools, universities, and workplaces despite the fact that in the West these institutions are often geared toward extraverted behavior. We speculate that introverts might learn to become more comfortable with their own introversion in these environments by focusing on eudaomonic concepts such as maintaining a positive attitude toward oneself, and cultivating good character and practicing more self-acceptance, and developing their ‘signature strengths‘.”

My advice: if you can’t change your environment, you can always change how you view yourself. Don’t let anyone make you feel less than simply because you are different. Embrace the unique strengths you can bring to the table, and you are more likely to be happier, healthier, and feel more authentic in your everyday life. You, too, can be a very happy introvert.

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